I have approximately nineteen billion words written about Zambia (complete with match.com-ready photos of me cuddling with lions and cheetahs), but the text is still on my first-edition 1940s blackberry and has to be manually transcribed on a regular computer, a proposition I haven't been able to face. Moreover, it's EER season -- Employee Evaluation Reports, that is -- and the Byzantine system review and promotion that State employs means that I (and the rest of the Foreign Service -- we in essence shut down for two months while we write about our own accomplishments) am fully consumed with googling for glowing accolades and finding alternate ways to make myself sound like a champion.
In the mean time, a fellow State Officer who headed up a PRT in Iraq has written a book due out in September entitled We Meant Well: How I Helped Lose the Battle for the Hearts and Minds of the Iraqi People. It's not due out till September, but I for one am salivating for it. From the review on Amazon: Charged with rebuilding Iraq, would you spend taxpayer money on a sports mural in Baghdad's most dangerous neighborhood to promote reconciliation through art? How about an isolated milk factory that cannot get its milk to market? Or a pastry class training women to open cafés on bombed-out streets without water or electricity?
The scenarios listed above don't translate one-to-one with the Afghan experience, but there have definitely been similar surely-you're-joking moments, none of which I've written about here for fear of being off message and having State drop the hammer on me -- which is kind of unfortunate, since events like the influx of a troop of Hip Hop dancers to Herat in the name of cultural outreach are basically begging to be blogged about. (I heard about the event second-hand; if I had been there, I probably wouldn't have been able to resist).
The author of the book -- a fellow FSO named Peter Van Buren, whom I haven't met -- writes a bitingly sharp-edged blog at WeMeantWell.com, which is so blazingly honest that I'm shocked the hatchet hasn't come down from above yet. He says a lot of the things that a lot of us think but don't say, which is usually hara-kiri in the State blog world. I'd vaguely toyed with the idea of trying to turn my time in Afghanistan into a book -- probably more akin to Peter Hessler's Peace Corps memoire River Town than We Meant Well, but regardless, it appears that I've been beaten to the punch.
Commonly Used Acronyms
ANA -- Afghan National Army
ANP -- Afghan National Police
ANSF -- Afghan National Security Forces
CO -- Commanding Officer; the military first in command.
DCM -- Deputy Chief of Mission; the second in command at most Embassies. Embasy Kabul has a larger management structure, and one of the five Ambassadors there plays the traditional role of DCM.
DEA -- Drug Enforcement Agency
FOB -- Forward Operating Base; the base I'm living on is a FOB. Pronounced as "fob."
GIRoA -- The Government of the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan; used for all levels of Government, including National, Provincial and District. Pronounced "Jie-Rowa."
IED -- Improvised Explosive Device; usually a roadside bomb.
IPA -- Interagency Provincial Affairs. The section of the Embassy I'm technically assigned to.
MRAP -- Mine Resistant Anti-Penetration vehicle; pronounced as "Em-Rap."
NCO -- Non-Commissioned Officer
PRT -- Provincial Reconstruction Team
RC-W (or RC-West) -- Regional Command West; the provinces of Farah, Herat, Ghor and Badghis.
SecFor -- Security Forces; the guys in charge of keeping us all safe.
Shura -- an Afghan community meeting, similar to a town hall.
SME -- Subject Matter Expert. Not "Small-Medium Enterprise," as one might think. Pronounced "Smee."
SRAP -- the President's Special Representative for Afghanistan and Pakistan; currently Richard Holbrooke. Pronounced as "Es-Rap."
TDY -- Temporary DutY. When one travels for short periods of time, one "goes TDY."
XO -- Executive Officer; the military second in the command.
USAID -- The United States Agency for International Development.
USDA -- US Department of Agriculture
USG -- U.S. Government
VBIED -- Vehicle-Borne Improvised Explosive Device; a car bomb. Pronounced "Vee-Bid."
ANP -- Afghan National Police
ANSF -- Afghan National Security Forces
CO -- Commanding Officer; the military first in command.
DCM -- Deputy Chief of Mission; the second in command at most Embassies. Embasy Kabul has a larger management structure, and one of the five Ambassadors there plays the traditional role of DCM.
DEA -- Drug Enforcement Agency
FOB -- Forward Operating Base; the base I'm living on is a FOB. Pronounced as "fob."
GIRoA -- The Government of the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan; used for all levels of Government, including National, Provincial and District. Pronounced "Jie-Rowa."
IED -- Improvised Explosive Device; usually a roadside bomb.
IPA -- Interagency Provincial Affairs. The section of the Embassy I'm technically assigned to.
MRAP -- Mine Resistant Anti-Penetration vehicle; pronounced as "Em-Rap."
NCO -- Non-Commissioned Officer
PRT -- Provincial Reconstruction Team
RIPTOA -- Relief in Place/Transfer of Authority; the process of changing out military teams.
RC-W (or RC-West) -- Regional Command West; the provinces of Farah, Herat, Ghor and Badghis.
SecFor -- Security Forces; the guys in charge of keeping us all safe.
Shura -- an Afghan community meeting, similar to a town hall.
SME -- Subject Matter Expert. Not "Small-Medium Enterprise," as one might think. Pronounced "Smee."
SRAP -- the President's Special Representative for Afghanistan and Pakistan; currently Richard Holbrooke. Pronounced as "Es-Rap."
TOA -- Transfer of Authority. The ceremony for transferring between military teams.
TDY -- Temporary DutY. When one travels for short periods of time, one "goes TDY."
XO -- Executive Officer; the military second in the command.
USAID -- The United States Agency for International Development.
USDA -- US Department of Agriculture
USG -- U.S. Government
VBIED -- Vehicle-Borne Improvised Explosive Device; a car bomb. Pronounced "Vee-Bid."
Disclaimer
The opinions expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and are not intended to represent or reflect the views, opinions or policy of the United States Government.
All names within this blog have been changed.
All names within this blog have been changed.
Comments or concerns? Email me.
Cast of Characters
I'm moving to a nickname-only policy in this blog. The following people have been mentioned thus far:
--THE NEW TEAM--
(Second PRT, November 2010-July 2011)
The Godfather -- also known affectionately as Commander Killjoy; the new PRT Commander.
Commander Quixote -- AKA Doc Quixote, the infectiously enthusiastic but somewhat ADHD head of PRT Medical. Hobbies include stargazing, playing the electric cello and tilting at windmills.
Captain Adventure -- the tall and self-assured head of SecFor; the only person thus far allowed to pick his own nickname.
Engineer Lovesalot -- a Navy lieutenant whose geographic separation from the female species appears to be causing him physical pain; Captain Adventure's roommate.
Captain Harmony -- the musically talented, multi-lingual Air Force officer from Public Affairs.
Captain Tomcat -- the laid-back officer from Operations whom I wanted to name "Captain Peachy" for his habit of responding requests with "that's peachy."
Lieutenant ______ -- A Navy Lieutenant who hounded me for months about getting a nickname; I refused -- and continue to refuse -- to bow to that pressure.
Lieutenant Granola -- a midwesterner with a firmly crunchy-granola-esque Seattle mindset.
Lieutenant Dracula -- the officer in charge of Supply whose first name -- Vlad -- was far too Transylvanian not to inspire his nickname.
Warrant Exasperated -- a good-natured but habitually grumpy Warrant Officer from Public Affairs.
Sergeant Major Moralekill -- the Senior Enlisted man from the maneuver unit we share the base with. Had the hoops removed from the basketball court to prevent injury.
Senior Chief Intimidating -- the terrifying Senior Enlisted
First Sergeant McGruff -- The PRT's Rule of Law guy and second highest ranked Enlisted man, a 30-year veteran of the Michigan Police Department with a gruff, no-nonsense attitude.
Chief Blackboard -- the PRT's Communications Officer and Liaison to the Department of Education; an elementary school principal in Oklahoma City.
Chief Hammersmith -- the PRT's Seabee and resident all-around handyman; great with a hammer and a nice guy to boot -- the kind of person you'd kill to have as a neighbor.
Petty Officer Moonshine -- a Navy NCO in Supply who owns a distillery (which I always screw up and call a brewery) in Breckenridge, Colorado.
Sergeant CapsLock -- A sergeant from Civil Affairs whose wife tends to update his Facebook page on his behalf, writing exclusively in caps.
Sergeant DoubleD -- an NCO from SecFor; the DoubleD is for Domestic Dispute, taken from his habit of having protracted fights with his wife in the public arena of Facebook.
Specialist Masai -- a Kenyan-American from SecFor, born and raised on the outskirts of Nairobi.
--THE OLD TEAM--
(First PRT, July-November 2010)
El Comandante -- the Commander of the PRT.
Senior Chief Literal -- the towering Senior Enlisted Advisor who took everything I said at face value, regardless of sarcasm.
Captain Firepower -- the plucky young Captain in charge of ensuring we have enough firepower on our missions.
Lieutenant Moneybags -- the coarse-mouthed First Lieutenant in charge of giving out money.
Ag -- The Department of Agriculture Rep. I recognize that this nickname is hardly creative.
Sergeant Charlie -- a Vietnamese-American who labelled the fridge in his office area with "If you take a water, replace it: Charlie is watching you."
Petty Officer Frying Pan -- Our PRT's culinary specialist, a Johnson and Wales graduate.
Airman Paparazzi -- Our PRT's photographer, an intensely talented Air Force public affairs officer.
RoguePeaceCorps -- a development specialist in Herat, directly embedded with the military.
--THE NEW TEAM--
(Second PRT, November 2010-July 2011)
The Godfather -- also known affectionately as Commander Killjoy; the new PRT Commander.
Commander Quixote -- AKA Doc Quixote, the infectiously enthusiastic but somewhat ADHD head of PRT Medical. Hobbies include stargazing, playing the electric cello and tilting at windmills.
Captain Adventure -- the tall and self-assured head of SecFor; the only person thus far allowed to pick his own nickname.
Engineer Lovesalot -- a Navy lieutenant whose geographic separation from the female species appears to be causing him physical pain; Captain Adventure's roommate.
Captain Harmony -- the musically talented, multi-lingual Air Force officer from Public Affairs.
Captain Tomcat -- the laid-back officer from Operations whom I wanted to name "Captain Peachy" for his habit of responding requests with "that's peachy."
Lieutenant ______ -- A Navy Lieutenant who hounded me for months about getting a nickname; I refused -- and continue to refuse -- to bow to that pressure.
Lieutenant Granola -- a midwesterner with a firmly crunchy-granola-esque Seattle mindset.
Lieutenant Dracula -- the officer in charge of Supply whose first name -- Vlad -- was far too Transylvanian not to inspire his nickname.
Warrant Exasperated -- a good-natured but habitually grumpy Warrant Officer from Public Affairs.
Sergeant Major Moralekill -- the Senior Enlisted man from the maneuver unit we share the base with. Had the hoops removed from the basketball court to prevent injury.
Senior Chief Intimidating -- the terrifying Senior Enlisted
First Sergeant McGruff -- The PRT's Rule of Law guy and second highest ranked Enlisted man, a 30-year veteran of the Michigan Police Department with a gruff, no-nonsense attitude.
Chief Blackboard -- the PRT's Communications Officer and Liaison to the Department of Education; an elementary school principal in Oklahoma City.
Chief Hammersmith -- the PRT's Seabee and resident all-around handyman; great with a hammer and a nice guy to boot -- the kind of person you'd kill to have as a neighbor.
Petty Officer Moonshine -- a Navy NCO in Supply who owns a distillery (which I always screw up and call a brewery) in Breckenridge, Colorado.
Sergeant CapsLock -- A sergeant from Civil Affairs whose wife tends to update his Facebook page on his behalf, writing exclusively in caps.
Sergeant DoubleD -- an NCO from SecFor; the DoubleD is for Domestic Dispute, taken from his habit of having protracted fights with his wife in the public arena of Facebook.
Specialist Masai -- a Kenyan-American from SecFor, born and raised on the outskirts of Nairobi.
--THE OLD TEAM--
(First PRT, July-November 2010)
El Comandante -- the Commander of the PRT.
Senior Chief Literal -- the towering Senior Enlisted Advisor who took everything I said at face value, regardless of sarcasm.
Captain Firepower -- the plucky young Captain in charge of ensuring we have enough firepower on our missions.
Lieutenant Moneybags -- the coarse-mouthed First Lieutenant in charge of giving out money.
Ag -- The Department of Agriculture Rep. I recognize that this nickname is hardly creative.
Sergeant Charlie -- a Vietnamese-American who labelled the fridge in his office area with "If you take a water, replace it: Charlie is watching you."
Petty Officer Frying Pan -- Our PRT's culinary specialist, a Johnson and Wales graduate.
Airman Paparazzi -- Our PRT's photographer, an intensely talented Air Force public affairs officer.
RoguePeaceCorps -- a development specialist in Herat, directly embedded with the military.
MREs: A Rank Ordering
Given the new-found frequency of MREs in my diet, the time has come to definitively rank them by deliciousness.
1. Beef Enchillada (comes with a side of refried beans; what's not to love?).
2. Cheese Tortellini (tortellini in a thick, tomato paste-esque sauce. Definitely not bad).
3. Beef Stew (Appeared to made from broken chunks of meatloaf; astoundingly delicious, though I'll concede that my opinion was influenced by the fact that I was starving when I ate it).
4. Maple Sausage (While the main course on this -- a deck of cards-sized brick of sausage oozing a thin maple syrup -- was only ok, the side dishes were so plentiful and delightful (granola with milk and blueberries! A cinnamon scone! A chocolate chip toaster pastry! French Vanilla Cappuccino powder! Crackers and apple butter!) that it significantly boosted the MRE's rating).
5. Meatloaf (delicious, if you can get past the fact that you're clearly eating dog food. Comes with mashed potatoes: bliss).
6. Thai Chicken (shredded chicken, made "Thai" with water chestnuts. Inoffensive).
7. Jambalaya (sausagey, with a shrimpy undertone; ok, but my god the after effects).
8. Omelet with Cheese and Vegetables (Poll any given group of soldiers about what the worst MRE is and Cheese Omelet will almost definitely get named. It's universally loathed. But here's the honest truth of the matter: it's not that bad. It's not good, per se -- just a huge block of sponge-like egg laced with tiny chunkets of jalapeno and chives -- but it's certainly not as awful as the universe makes it out to be).
9. Pork Rib (McRib-esque shaped chopped pork in a ketchupy sauce; only a small step above dog food).
10. Veggie Burger with Barbeque Sauce (You can find a huge number of these left at the bottom of every case of picked-through MREs, abandoned as being the worst. And rightfully so: it's like a sawdust puck, slathered in bad ketchup).
1. Beef Enchillada (comes with a side of refried beans; what's not to love?).
2. Cheese Tortellini (tortellini in a thick, tomato paste-esque sauce. Definitely not bad).
3. Beef Stew (Appeared to made from broken chunks of meatloaf; astoundingly delicious, though I'll concede that my opinion was influenced by the fact that I was starving when I ate it).
4. Maple Sausage (While the main course on this -- a deck of cards-sized brick of sausage oozing a thin maple syrup -- was only ok, the side dishes were so plentiful and delightful (granola with milk and blueberries! A cinnamon scone! A chocolate chip toaster pastry! French Vanilla Cappuccino powder! Crackers and apple butter!) that it significantly boosted the MRE's rating).
5. Meatloaf (delicious, if you can get past the fact that you're clearly eating dog food. Comes with mashed potatoes: bliss).
6. Thai Chicken (shredded chicken, made "Thai" with water chestnuts. Inoffensive).
7. Jambalaya (sausagey, with a shrimpy undertone; ok, but my god the after effects).
8. Omelet with Cheese and Vegetables (Poll any given group of soldiers about what the worst MRE is and Cheese Omelet will almost definitely get named. It's universally loathed. But here's the honest truth of the matter: it's not that bad. It's not good, per se -- just a huge block of sponge-like egg laced with tiny chunkets of jalapeno and chives -- but it's certainly not as awful as the universe makes it out to be).
9. Pork Rib (McRib-esque shaped chopped pork in a ketchupy sauce; only a small step above dog food).
10. Veggie Burger with Barbeque Sauce (You can find a huge number of these left at the bottom of every case of picked-through MREs, abandoned as being the worst. And rightfully so: it's like a sawdust puck, slathered in bad ketchup).
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3 comments:
I am expecting a book from you. You have an eye and an ear for the absurdity of life in general overseas. An extensive tome about life in the FS would probably sell 3 or 4 copies worldwide. I would gladly shoplift a copy and tell my friends (both of them) that you knew my son and were now a famous arthur.
If you really want your book to sell, include some of your famous recipes, like Chicken Soup Cookies. I still gag whenever I smell chicken soup, thanks buddy...
I would assume that 17 billion words are about how kick-ass your hosts in Lusaka were.
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